Dear Little Rock,

Dear Little Rock,

Some hard things have been happening in my life and it has come out in my driving and in my shopping and in my dining and so I am writing you this letter to thank you. You see last year my perfectly healthy happy three year old did not want to go trick or treating. Yeah. We took him to the doctor. He was diagnosed with leukemia. He had never been to the hospital before. We were admitted and spent our first month there. Unfortunately, he needed a bone marrow transplant and he didn’t make it to receiving one. He died at age four this summer. For the last 10 months I have cut you off in traffic and glanced over after realizing only to see you smile and wave me in.  I have gone 50 on the freeway and you have quietly gone around me without honking or flipping me off. I have sat through green lights without a single person in a long line of cars honking at me. My 1 year old has lain on the floor at a popular restaurant and cried. You have asked if you could give him a sucker. After my son came home on hospice he wanted to go out to eat at IHOP. You over heard me explaining to the manager why we needed to sit in the closed section of the restaurant (immune- suppression from chemotherapy) and you paid for my family’s meal. You have told me you would pray for me. From social security case workers to car insurance agents to the lady whose car I hit in Hot Springs you have prayed for me and I wanted you to know that what you have done for us is irreplaceable. You see sometimes someone’s world is crumbling and they are searching for a break. Somewhere something in life has to ease up or they might not make it. So thanks for not being too hard on me during a time when the last thing I was thinking about was driving. Your kindness has propped up my broken world. And I thank you.

Sincerely,

A mom from Arkansas Children’s Hospital

Potty Training 101

A number of people have asked me recently for potty training tips. For those of you who don't know I worked for eight years in early childhood education before having my first child.  So here's what I know:

1. Ignore all those people who say your child has to be forty and emotionally secure or he might be scarred for life if you try before he is ready. The only person who will be scarred after potty training is you and possibly your furniture and carpet. Potty training is way more about where you are than where your child is. My recommended age is between 2 1/2 and 3 (as the starting point). Earlier is harder, later is harder, though depending on the child I've heard earlier can work but I have little personal experience there. Once your child is older he/she has discovered what a good deal they've got going and may resist potty training because they prefer having you do the dirty work. Are you at a time or position in life where you are ready to take the next step towards Christlike patience and charity? Or are you currently blowing up at every little thing? Consider this before you embark on the potty training journey! Kids are kids and potty training is no joke. It requires consistent compassion (otherwise known as steel nerves).

2. For children potty training is all about independence. I can not tell you how many parents are still carrying around their large child and wondering why he/she will not potty! Start asking your child to do things for himself such as take his plate to the sink, dress himself, wash his hands, wipe his nose, clean up toys, strap himself in the carseat, etc. Teach him how to do these things. Show him how instead of doing it for him. Your child should be able to get from naked to fully dressed including a simple jacket and slip on or velcro shoes after a few days (two weeks tops) of help. Realize that this means he will also be able to go from fully dressed to naked, but that is okay. That's just a part of being three. Some children enjoy having personal slaves, I mean parents. If your child is one of these invite him to do independence building activities like spreading jam/butter on bread with a butter knife for each family member(give him a dollop then move the jar: ), washing fruits or vegetables,  turning off the TV, sweeping, picking clothes out for a younger sibling and himself, opening the van door, etc. In  other words fun chores. Start incorporating less fun but necessary chores after a few days when he has gotten used to you asking him to do things.
 to be continued....

party like a what, what?

Hi. I'd like to establish (or solidify) my nerdy-ness once and for all. I don't like the current "Rockstar" craze. Unfortunately, its hard to find even binkies (I'm not kidding on this one people) that aren't trying to be cool these days! As President Faust said, "There is a certain irony in the fact that some parents are so anxious for their children to be accepted by and be popular with their peers; yet these same parents fear that their children may be doing the things their peers are doing."  Why, tell me why, would I want my 2 year old to EVER "Party like a RockStar"? No, its not just because he's two. I don't want him to when he's twenty two or forty two (please note the use of the word EVER). Not only do I not want him to ever party like a rockstar, I also don't ever want him to BE a rock star. Think about the kids you knew in high school who were the closest to becoming real rockers in adulthood...go ahead...I really want you to actually picture them in your mind...now think of the ones who never actually grew out of it...Is that what you want your kids to live like when they're forty. And then there are the actual World famous Rock icons and legends of Guitar Hero. While I will say some rockstars are incredibly talented people (I'd say about 50 percent), most if not all are also incredibly disturbed people. I can't think of any that aren't. Let me know if you do. I mean "Future Rockstar" toddler shirts? Yes, my greatest hope is that one day my child will discover great musical talent, stop showering, sleep around, do drugs, drink heavily, get tatoo-ed and pierced, play in front of sold out crowds screaming his name and then eventually die from a drug overdose or sexually transmitted disease.

Now don't get me wrong, I like to play Rockband and Guitar Hero with my brother and sister in law. I'm actually pretty good. But may I be so absurd as to suggest that maybe this is an adult game? Maybe kids shouldn't be singing along word for word lyrics about being high and having sex. For older kids it might be a good time to point out how sad the lyrics are and how deeply troubled the minds and/or hearts are of the people they represent. Producing a beautiful piece of art does not change who they are and it does not make their lifestyle into one that they can enjoy. Many things combine to make their lives look much better than they really are while moms scrub toilets and wipe noses, but in reality many of the rich and famous are very sad and lonely people just looking for joy in all the wrong places. So I'd like to say to my kid and children everywhere, loudly even--"NO! DO NOT 'Party like a RockStar!' They are partying to forget. I want you to live a life whose memories bring you comfort and joy and peace not one whose falsehoods you need to drink or inject away." That's it I am going out to start a line of clothes and binkies and gear all emblazoned with the creed, "Party like a Mormon!"

Why didn't someone tell me that being a mom would be so glamorous? I mean really? There's pregnancy and morning sickness, there's not wanting to shower because its just too tiring to wash all of you,  there's all nighters and poopy diapers, and don't even get me started on breastfeeding! And yet who is creating more of a masterpiece with their life? In the end many who are considered "most influential" in the world will have made a few beautiful strokes on an else wise torn and dirty canvas. A hit song with masterfully written lyrics interwoven with wonderfully evocative music, one stroke. Election to the presidency, maybe two. CEO of a company, one stroke. An academy award, one stroke. Even the very accomplished, eight oscars, thirteen olympic gold medals. Eight strokes, thirteen strokes of the brush-- beautiful though they maybe-- do not a masterpiece make. And then there are mothers and fathers, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, grandparents, husbands and wives, children. The beauty of our interactions with them create the strokes that will be our life's work. Laughter at bedtime, teaching them to pray--to believe, service, listening until we understand, kindness, discipline. All beautiful, tiny, necessary strokes. Glamor takes money, art takes time and art takes heart.
Create a masterpiece of your life. Choose beauty. Choose depth instead of shallows. Choose light instead of darkness. Choose peace.

I feel that I should blog. Its been a while. Many, many things have been turning over and over in my mind. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Potty training. Judging based on the content of one's character. Joy. Happiness. Understanding. Peace. The scriptures speak of people whose eyes cannot see afar off. Can mine? The scriptures speak of understanding with your heart and thus becoming converted. According to these verses Christ will heal us if only we will understand. With our hearts. I want the Lord to teach my heart something that the rest of me is too wise to understand.

"The abundant life is a spiritual life. Too many sit at the banquet table of the gospel of Jesus Christ and merely nibble at the feast placed before them. They go through the motions—attending their meetings perhaps, glancing at scriptures, repeating familiar prayers—but their hearts are far away. If they are honest, they would admit to being more interested in the latest neighborhood rumors, stock market trends, and their favorite TV show than they are in the supernal wonders and sweet ministerings of the Holy Spirit.

Do you wish to partake of this living water and experience that divine well springing up within you to everlasting life?

Then be not afraid. Believe with all your hearts. Develop an unshakable faith in the Son of God. Let your hearts reach out in earnest prayer. Fill your minds with knowledge of Him. Forsake your weaknesses. Walk in holiness and harmony with the commandments."

I've really been stuck on the Bishop's comments the other night at Relief Society. What makes us happy? What keeps us from being happy?  
Is what makes you happy also what keeps you from being happy sometimes? Or does it seem that way at least?

I greatly desire the abundant life, so why don't I just sit down and eat? If my two year old would just sit down and eat with his fork and spoon and if my ten month old would stop screaming and if my husband  would stop helping little old ladies across the street so he could get home while the banquet is still warm. And what about all these dishes? Which reminds me I only made it to Kroger's and Walmart  today which means I didn't get the dishwasher detergent at Sam's Club which means I am going to have to wash all these dishes by hand! Does everyone really need a salad fork AND a dinner fork? That's it! I'm going to Wendy's! And so it goes (at least in my life). Anyone got any help out there for me? What if you really want it, but you really do have to grocery shop, clean house, change diapers, cook breakfast lunch  and dinner, do dishes, do laundry, etc. too?  Advice? Ideas?

just a spoon full of sugar, that is all it takes.

Just another day at the office…

Let’s say that your average work day is from 7am to 8pm. You work alone from 8 to 5. You do however have a coworker who is there from 5pm to 8pm and from 7am to about 7:50am. Not only is he quite helpful he’s quite attractive which is a bonus! Unfortunately, you are not really alone from 7:50 to 5pm. You have other co “workers”  who while being better looking than you (even in their jammies) do not follow the dress code, do not care to keep the work load distributed evenly, and have emotional problems.

For instance, my coworkers spend a lot of time whining and complaining. While this is common in any work place many employees can at least retreat to the bathroom for some much needed peace and quiet. Not so with me. Every trip to the bathroom the complaints and yes even crying get louder. My coworkers also complain about my lack of efficiency and job quality. Yesterday I diced vegetables and chicken and scrambled eggs to make homemade fried rice for lunch. Let’s compare this to a presentation one might spend hours preparing at work. I arrived and put my offering on the table for review. My coworker took one look at my presentation and crumpled out of his chair and onto the floor wailing, “I dooooooonnn’t  waaaaaaannnnnt THIS!” in disdain. Why can’t I read a story and make lunch at the same time? Why am I not capable of filling a sippie cup and changing a diaper at the same time? Can’t I look all over the house for Nana (blankie) while doing laundry/grocery shopping/bathing children/ arguing with children/beating children ummm I digress sorry anyway back to the office.  

My coworkers show public disapproval of many of my ideas…Naptime? “NOOOOOO!” Diaper change? “NOOOOOO!” Healthy snack instead of Christmas/Halloween/ Valentine’s day/ Easter candy? NOOOOOOOO!” Time to cleanup? "NOOOOOO!" One of my coworkers actually volunteered to take a nap rather than cleanup with me today. When they are not vocalizing their dislike they are generally pretending like they don’t hear me at all. After spending all day fighting tooth and nail with my coworkers to complete one project (say cleaning the toy room for instance) I am forced to point out to my favorite coworker when he arrives at 5ish that it takes a lot of work to “maintain the mess” at the level it was at when he left at 7:50 this morning. I have been working all day just to keep it from getting any messier than when he left! The dishes are stacked no higher in the sink than when he left (a little artful arranging plus a trip to Wendy’s for lunch took care of that), there aren’t anymore toys on the floor than there were this morning (only because we don’t own anymore toys to put on the floor and I staunchly resisted Sam’s efforts at Target to get me to buy him another dollar toy), and the children are just as dirty as when he left (they’ve had two baths and numerous hand and face washing). A job well done! Time for a new job? I think not. Time for a raise? Definitely!

My letter to an editor

Dear Little Rock Family,

I really enjoy your magazine and its dedication to all things family. I am a Little Rock native who has been away for years and recently returned to the beautiful natural state (right during the hottest summer ever!) I love it here and truly feel our city has so much to offer. I do have one item that I would like to bring to your attention not as a complaint but as a suggestion for future issues. I feel that the “average stay at home mom” is under represented in the world and in the cover stories of your magazine. In a world where the SuperMom complex has reached epidemic proportions I feel it unfair to those of us who “just stay home” to represent Mommyhood as running marathons, organizing campaigns, work in public media, etc. I have truly enjoyed these articles and learning about these Moms and their busy, successful lives, but I consider their lives successful because they are moms not because they are busy ( : Being a good parent takes time and I really admire and enjoy hearing about people who take hits to their social status, personal agenda, and even job standing to parent effectively. Sometimes you can “have your cake and eat it too” but this is very often not the case. There are many of us who don’t “do what we love” because we love our kids. Many assume that we do not have as much passion for work as other (“Well I understand you stay at home, but not her she just loves being a nurse SO much she couldn’t possibly!”) more dedicated individuals or that we have more patience or that we are just “good at mothering.” Raise your hand if you enjoy poopy diapers and housework! Uh, not me. I am not at all patient and there are plenty of things I would rather be doing. I feel that I am teaching my kids an important lesson by staying home with them. Among other things I am teaching them we do not always do what is the most fun or the easiest. We do what is right. Period. I want my kids to be the ones that stop inappropriate bullying, I want my kids to be the ones that sacrifice winning to play the game honestly, I want my kids to be the ones that put people before profits. To do this they will have to be willing to take a hit to their social status here or there, sacrifice their personal agendas, and put others first.

One of my professors wrote an article in which he discussed the idea of finding balance in home and work life. He contended that what we need to find is not balance at all but harmony. He used the example of a symphony orchestra. If all the instruments played together at the same time at the same speed and volume it would not be beautiful music. We need crescendo and decrescendo. We need emphasis on a particular instrument or group of instruments, one instrument growing louder while the others dim or vice versa. That is how beautiful music is created and that is how a beautiful life is created. A wise man once said, “Create a masterpiece of your life.” With each moment I spend with my children I am creating their life experience, something that no one else can do. I have been educated at the university level and have worked in early childhood classrooms (including daycare, preschool, and kindergarten). I have taught parenting classes in Spanish for

United Way

and the DHS. I have been a missionary for my church. I have captained a state championship gymnastics team. And I have been replaced. In all of these capacities, when a child says, “Teacher,” when a parent says, “Maestra,” when a teammate says, “Captain,” they are no longer addressing me. But when my now two year old is eighty years old when he says, “Mama” he will always mean me. I do not think only stay at home moms deserve respect, but I do believe that they have a story just like everyone else that deserves to be told. Thank you for a wonderful magazine and your attention to this letter.

Sincerely,

Jessi

www.iamnotmyskin.blogspot.com

Wearing my mother's wisdom

Let me begin by saying that my mother is an original in every sense of the word. I have lived in Connecticut, New York, Arkansas, and Utah. I have been to 24 of the 50 states and I have never, ever met anyone like my mother. That said, I am learning as I grow older how much I would like to be like her in many important ways. Many times we are frustrated with our parents for dressing us in hand-me-down wisdom and old fashioned insight when we want to go out in what's new and hip. Time's have changed! Here's the thing-- you can't change the way you were raised. It covers you like a cloak til one day, when you're all grown up with kids of your own (who argue with you nonstop) you look down and discover you've been wearing pearls all along.
One of the things I learned from my mother is that you don't have to be the perfect parent, you just have to try really hard. And keep trying. One day your children will understand (and appreciate) your sincere effort not your perfection. Everyone has to at least respect a person of principle, someone who lives what they believe. My mother never told me this. I learned it from my own attitude towards her. One day at around twenty one years of age I turned around and said, "What would make someone live that hard?" "What could make someone give and go and do and be from sun up to sundown (and her candle goeth not out by night Proverbs 31:18) everyday of her life?" She understood something my heart did not. But her example spoke to my soul and that is why I am where I am today. I went through the storm, not quite prodigal but not the easiest kid, either. Now I try to wear her wisdom proudly. Its what she deserves.


Quotes that inspire my parenting and remind me of my Mama:
"Parents who love their children cannot afford to be intimidated by them."  --Elder Larry R. Lawrence
“Parenting is not a popularity contest.”  --Elder Joe J. Christensen
“Sometimes we are afraid of our children—afraid to counsel with them for fear of offending them.'    --Elder Robert D. Hales
Courageous Parenting Article--  http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-30,00.html

Believe!

So I am going to start blogging with this disclaimer...as India Arie sings, I am not my hair. I am not this skin. I am not your expectations. No.  I am a soul that lives within. So before I start I'd like to say that I am not my blog. I am a soul. I spend all day and all night sustaining life, creating joy, and defining existence. I am a stay at home mom (SAHM). God created the world for me and I create it each day for them. I may not wash my my hair everyday, but that is because I am too busy making the sun come up for my 2 1/2 year old. I may not cook a seven course (or even a one course : ) meal every afternoon, but that is because I can't stop feeding my seven month old's curiousity. Too many children are hurt, too many adults are broken. I am blogging because the only difference between them and me is that I know who and what I am. I am a soul that lives within.