No words to describe losing someone who is so much a part of your life. We more than miss him. He was the child who woke us up in the morning dragging in his backpack bleary eyed every morning and crawling into our bed. He was the child who we fought to stay awake each night until he fell asleep. When I dream he is there and we do everyday things and I wake up wishing I had just held and hugged him. When I dream he is just part of my group of boys. I say words can't describe but the closest I can come is the first lines of the (incredibly corny) song by John Mayer...
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
oh waking up is the hardest part.
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breath.
oh waking up is the hardest part.
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breath.
It catches up with me every morning so mornings are the hardest for me. Don't worry if you see me in the mornings though. If I have made it up off my knees that means I am holding on for another day. Just can't wait for Heaven!
We are sad and that is how life is sometimes, achingly, heartbreakingly, lonely and sad.
Last night while reading scriptures with my oldest (6) we read about the miraculous healing of Zeezrom (This is a story from the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is a book that we use with The Bible. Just like The Bible it was written long ago by prophets. It was written in the Americas and testifies of Jesus Christ and is in fact titled, The Book of Mormon, Another Testamen
t of Jesus Christ [think old testament, new testament, another testament]. 1. I know I just blew your mind 2. THis is a really long run on sentence in parenthesis 3. Not surprisingly other people kept records besides the Jews. These records do not, however, contain the life and ministry of Christ which is why the The Bible is SO important!)
This is a story similar to the Paul/Saul story in the new testament. My son and I talked about why Zeezrom was healed. We wondered aloud why my 4 year old wasn't. Abinadi* came to mind. I must admit that while I am not angry or bitter I have coveted other peoples miracles. There is a dear boy right now suffering from terrible injuries who I've known since he was a baby. His daily pain and suffering have cut me to the core and yet I have battled feelings of envy as he receives miraculous healing day by day and I've wondered if his parents are more righteous than my son's parents and so they get to keep their boy and I don't. Don't mistake my feelings. I pray for this boy. I wish he got better yesterday. I always said with my son I don't wish he'd never gotten sick because I would have trudged on in life without appreciation for so many little things that I now appreciate but now that I've learned the lessons and felt the pain can he get better now? I wish this boy could get better now, I truly do! I just wish my little boy could too. And I am starting to truly understand that Heavenly Father isn't Santa Claus. And that this is life. He loves us all. There are no big packages with bows for those who keep the commandments. Sometimes those who are cruel get miracles (again Saul/Paul) sometimes those who are good get miracles, too. And sometimes they don't. Thankful to the Lord for including the story of Abinadi in the scriptures. Thankful to the Lord for this dear boy getting his miracles. I did not get the miracle I wanted but I got His love. We all get that. And somehow that is what evens it all out.
#Butifnot
#Blessed
*Abinadi is another prophet from the Book of Mormon. He was sent to call a wicked king to repentance. He was miraculously protected while he delivered his message, but was put to death after he completed his message. (Mosiah chapters 11-17 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/11?lang=eng)
