Give the gift of mercy...

Imagine for a moment that someone who you do not know very well but have tried to get to know and to trust takes your child.

You have been told he will be well taken care of, better than even you yourself can take care of him. And you want to believe it. You hope that it is true. But knowledge is not there just faith.

You know where your child is and you think you know how to get there.

You have other children. You have a spouse. So what do you do?

I would like to propose that anyone in this situation would willingly leave their spouse with their other children and go to catch just a glimpse of their child in their new home. Just a peek through the window or a second watching them play through a hole in the fence.

It doesn't mean you don't love your other children or your spouse. Most of us wouldn't even leave one of our children for a weekend (it just feels better when all the kids are together at least even if you're not there) and if we did we would call and check on them ALL the time.

This is why "counting your blessings" or "having other kids" does not make child loss easier. This is one of the many reasons why many parents have thoughts of dying themselves after child loss. I am supposed to believe with every fiber of my being, in fact I need to believe or else I won't survive mentally, that my child is in a better place free from pain and sorrow. One of the most precious things I have ever possessed has moved on and I am supposed to now enjoy the rest of my life in this fallen world? It is hard to trust. It is hard to allow yourself to love or become attached or to care. Some people never do again.

If someone you know is experiencing child loss, whether it be right now or decades ago, you have been given a sacred opportunity to minister unto they that mourn. They need someone to say, "I don't understand. Teach me." As a matter of fact in the political and cultural turmoil that we find ourselves in today we all need to be approaching police officers and their families, black males, illegal immigrants, gays and lesbians, those who support traditional marriage, those of differing faith, those of differing political parties and saying, "I don't understand, teach me." If someone approached you this way would you return the favor after explaining your perspective?

My point is you don't know how it feels. And you won't unless you ask. I have a friend from the hospital whose son died 4 months before my son. So about 9 months ago. I had never experienced child loss. Even though my son was terminal at the time it was not at all like actual death. I regret some of the things I said to her. She recently posted a picture of herself at his grave with a caption saying she used to spend up to 11 hours a day there instead of with her 5 year old who was still alive. I should have just asked. You don't understand how many people are at their breaking point. How many people have just left the cemetery or the hospital or wherever. How many people need mercy. It is okay to not know what to say. It is okay not to know how to fix it. It can't be fixed in this life anyway. Let the lower light be burning. It's Christmas after all.

Matthew 5:7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

I'm not all about that bass

I am going to take a moment to write about something trivial cause I have been thinking about it for a while.

I am no feminist (not by a long shot) but I am gonna go out on a limb and blow your mind by saying maybe the hit song "All About That Bass" should not be the anthem of choice for women everywhere.

This song while touted for being "empowering" and "uplifting" and encouraging women everywhere to "embrace who they naturally are" is actually just saying "Don't worry about being big. Some guys dig that." So your mama told you that being fat is okay cause boys like that. Okay, my mama told me (fat or skinny) to get a job, go to college, and serve others. Life (okay here comes the mind blowing part) is not about having guys like you. Despite what every Disney channel tween show purports you have not reached Nirvana when you have a boyfriend and attend a concert (or star in a concert). I mean come on people!

This is the first verse:

Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places

This is empowering for women?!

She can shake it like she's supposed to do?

Anyway you get the idea not a feminist just gotta tell my feminist friends and friends with little girls everywhere stop subjecting your girls to this trash. Heck I even have guy friends who have posted they like for their boys to listen to mold breaking songs like this. Uh, we're not here for you guys. Sorry. Women are not here to be girlfriend material. Okay rant over.

Go ahead and like the song. It's very catchy. Just don't feel like you are doing something great for humanity by downloading it, singing it, teaching it to your two year old daughter, etc. Okay my rant is really over now.

The beauty of the prosaic

Why I think you should see "Meet the Mormons"

I have seen Meet the Mormons  (http://meetthemormons.com/#/filter-all/page-1) twice now and I've got to highly recommend you see it, too. Why you ask...not because I want you to join my church...okay I do want you to join my church but this movie will not get you to join my church. I think people should see it because it is a celebration of the prosaic.

Go ahead look up the word prosaic

I'll wait

Okay isn't it a beautiful word for such an ordinary thing?

Ha now you've really gone to Google it.

Prosaic- ordinary; everyday; commonplace; routine

I saw Meet the Mormons twice not because it was so awesome the first time (honestly, the first time I was somewhere between mehm and like) because after my husband and I saw it some kids from our congregation decided to go so we took our sons with them. The second time as my 2 year old danced in the aisles to the music from Nepal I saw something I hadn't seen before. That this is our life story. The first time a saw a glazed over version of what it is to be a mormon. The second time I saw the differences that make all people beautiful. There is so much significance in what we do every single day because the prosaic actually = life.

Mormons are christians, but as in every religion we have things that set us apart from the church next door. These things aren't even unusual in the grand scheme of religious practices and rituals but some people shy away from differences. Guess what? Orthodox Jews observe Shabbat and wear tzitzit and kippah. Many catholics observe many holy days and have beautiful ritualistic services with deep symbolic meaning. Muslims wash before praying. There are differences everywhere and it is up to us whether we decide to see these differences as weird or beautiful.

Meet the Mormons touched me because in a world full of movies with shock value that no one on the planet can relate to (enjoy but not relate to) it is a movie that is moving and profound and could star me or you. Did you know your story is worth a movie?! It is and it is beautiful because it's yours! Give me these people over some rock star anyday!

The dang song at the end of the movie has been stuck in my head (and I am not a David Archuleta fan) but the truth in it touched me and as I have folded laundry and dropped off kids and worked and played and taught and prayed it has played in my mind and I feel like I am figuring out my part. Isn't that what we are all trying to do no matter what we believe?


Here's the link to the song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GytW_rgr0RM
Here's the lyrics (I'm a lyrics person which is why I love Ben Harper and generally not David Archuleta :) 

Symphony 

There are times when
You might feel aimless
You can't see the places
Where you belong
But you will find that
There is a purpose
It's been there
Within you all along
And when you're near it
You can almost hear it

It's like a symphony
Just keep listening
And pretty soon you'll start
To figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece
And there are melodies
In each one of us
Oh! It's glorious

And you will know how
To let it ring out
As you discover
Who you are
Others around you
Will start to wake up
To the sounds that are
In their hearts
It's so amazing
What we're all creating

It's like a symphony
Just keep listening
And pretty soon you'll start
To figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece
And there are melodies
In each one of us
Oh! It's glorious

Dear Little Rock,

Dear Little Rock,

Some hard things have been happening in my life and it has come out in my driving and in my shopping and in my dining and so I am writing you this letter to thank you. You see last year my perfectly healthy happy three year old did not want to go trick or treating. Yeah. We took him to the doctor. He was diagnosed with leukemia. He had never been to the hospital before. We were admitted and spent our first month there. Unfortunately, he needed a bone marrow transplant and he didn’t make it to receiving one. He died at age four this summer. For the last 10 months I have cut you off in traffic and glanced over after realizing only to see you smile and wave me in.  I have gone 50 on the freeway and you have quietly gone around me without honking or flipping me off. I have sat through green lights without a single person in a long line of cars honking at me. My 1 year old has lain on the floor at a popular restaurant and cried. You have asked if you could give him a sucker. After my son came home on hospice he wanted to go out to eat at IHOP. You over heard me explaining to the manager why we needed to sit in the closed section of the restaurant (immune- suppression from chemotherapy) and you paid for my family’s meal. You have told me you would pray for me. From social security case workers to car insurance agents to the lady whose car I hit in Hot Springs you have prayed for me and I wanted you to know that what you have done for us is irreplaceable. You see sometimes someone’s world is crumbling and they are searching for a break. Somewhere something in life has to ease up or they might not make it. So thanks for not being too hard on me during a time when the last thing I was thinking about was driving. Your kindness has propped up my broken world. And I thank you.

Sincerely,

A mom from Arkansas Children’s Hospital

Things to think about if you know someone whose child has died

Not trying to be insulting or anything here. Read on if you really want to know:

-I know it is impossible to imagine but try to imagine how your family dynamics would be thrown off without your middle child (or whichever of your kids) My oldest is SO linear and rule focused and my middle was so lackadaisical and social we often said how much number 1 needed his younger brother and how much they helped each other. Even their arguments b/c of personality differences helped them. We are all still trying to figure out how to relate to each other w/o him. I know it would be the same no matter which kid it was!

-Another difficult thing that most people don't realize (I know I didn't) is that for the first SEVERAL months it actually gets harder instead of easier. Your body and spirit are used to your child(ren) subconsciously and no matter how many times you tell yourself he/she is gone it seems to go through shock a few weeks to months later as you come out of survival mode and start to crash into reality. You are never confused thinking they are still alive it is more of a tangible ache as the part of you that has kept them alive (even when you are sick or exhausted! It's crazy your survival mode has come to include someone other than yourself) learns to let them go. You are literally letting a part of you die. It feels impossible.

-Another thing to understand is that no one controls how long they grieve. Please don't ask if someone is "feeling better" after the loss of a child. Just like you would probably never ask an amputee if they were feeling better now that their leg has been gone a couple of months. 

-The kindest and most helpful things that people have said to me have been, "I (or we) love you." and/or "I (or we) are praying for you." The kindest thing anyone has done hands down is give me pictures of my son. In the book A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis writes that one of the most difficult things about losing someone like a spouse or child is losing their "otherness." You can not create in your mind new scenes or dialogue with them because while you were so close they still were their own separate person. Sometimes they said or did what you expected and sometimes not and that is what you miss most. Their unpredictableness, their otherness. I love my pictures of Ben but I yearn to see him making a different face or hear his voice saying something new and funny and pictures I haven't seen before are almost that gift.

How we are doing...

No words to describe losing someone who is so much a part of your life. We more than miss him. He was the child who woke us up in the morning dragging in his backpack bleary eyed every morning and crawling into our bed. He was the child who we fought to stay awake each night until he fell asleep. When I dream he is there and we do everyday things and I wake up wishing I had just held and hugged him. When I dream he is just part of my group of boys. I say words can't describe but the closest I can come is the first lines of the (incredibly corny) song by John Mayer...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
oh waking up is the hardest part.
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breath.

It catches up with me every morning so mornings are the hardest for me. Don't worry if you see me in the mornings though. If I have made it up off my knees that means I am holding on for another day. Just can't wait for Heaven!

 We are sad and that is how life is sometimes, achingly, heartbreakingly, lonely and sad.

Last night while reading scriptures with my oldest (6) we read about the miraculous healing of Zeezrom (This is a story from the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is a book that we use with The Bible. Just like The Bible it was written long ago by prophets. It was written in the Americas and testifies of Jesus Christ and is in fact titled, The Book of Mormon, Another Testamen

t of Jesus Christ [think old testament, new testament, another testament]. 1. I know I just blew your mind 2. THis is a really long run on sentence in parenthesis 3. Not surprisingly other people kept records besides the Jews. These records do not, however, contain the life and ministry of Christ which is why the The Bible is SO important!) 

This is a story similar to the Paul/Saul story in the new testament. My son and I talked about why Zeezrom was healed. We wondered aloud why my 4 year old wasn't. Abinadi* came to mind. I must admit that while I am not angry or bitter I have coveted other peoples miracles. There is a dear boy right now suffering from terrible injuries who I've known since he was a baby. His daily pain and suffering have cut me to the core and yet I have battled feelings of envy as he receives miraculous healing day by day and I've wondered if his parents are more righteous than my son's parents and so they get to keep their boy and I don't. Don't mistake my feelings. I pray for this boy. I wish he got better yesterday. I always said with my son I don't wish he'd never gotten sick because I would have trudged on in life without appreciation for so many little things that I now appreciate but now that I've learned the lessons and felt the pain can he get better now? I wish this boy could get better now, I truly do! I just wish my little boy could too. And I am starting to truly understand that Heavenly Father isn't Santa Claus. And that this is life. He loves us all. There are no big packages with bows for those who keep the commandments. Sometimes those who are cruel get miracles (again Saul/Paul) sometimes those who are good get miracles, too. And sometimes they don't. Thankful to the Lord for including the story of Abinadi in the scriptures. Thankful to the Lord for this dear boy getting his miracles. I did not get the miracle I wanted but I got His love. We all get that. And somehow that is what evens it all out.

#Butifnot 

#Blessed

*Abinadi is another prophet from the Book of Mormon. He was sent to call a wicked king to repentance. He was miraculously protected while he delivered his message, but was put to death after he completed his message. (Mosiah chapters 11-17 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/11?lang=eng)

Work on Who (not what) your child is becoming.

Thoughts in response to a facebook article; 
I think as parents we all need to define success and then go for it. My husband and I have discussed what successfully raising our children means to us and we hope that they will be able to create and sustain meaningful, loving eternal relationships and faithfully overcome adversity. Having goals helps us not get distracted by all the other good things and go for the best!
 Our oldest is a genius and could be in school full time with extended hours and tutors and lots of educational electronics and such. Letting him do what is easiest for him would not prepare him for the trials that are to come in his life. And they will come. So we choose to limit his screen time (he does play computer games and watch TV and is learning to write websites) so that he is forced to interact with his brothers (and us). And they fight and argue constantly but I have great hope that working through this will make him something better than a good employee or ceo. Something better than a nobel prize winner. A good husband and father who doesn't give up! 
As I have studied parenting I often ask myself what is this person's view of parental success? Most worldly parenting experts figure their kid will smoke a little weed, sleep around a bit, and then enter Ivy league schools. Raising adults who are "fulfilled" is their goal. I want to raise someone who serves, who loves, and who consecrates. I have to be an intentional parent if I want that to happen. We set limits and verbally say all the time, people are more important than things. Its crazy how many people think I'm vegan, never cut my hair, and don't drive on Sundays just b/c I limit my kids electronics! Only slightly kidding here! Our fellow parents need support as they try to reach their parenting goals, not flack for setting limits that work for their family. We're parents. Setting limits is what we do. When I taught parenting classes we started with the question, "What are some words you would like for people to use when they describe your child(ren) when they are adults? I would suggest every couple do this. How would your child's spouse describe them? Their children? Their boss? Their co-workers? Their friends? Their parents? Their in-laws? 
I happen to be married to someone who has turned out pretty near perfect and who everyone who knows him (from casual acquaintance on up) would describe in a very complimentary way. People want to be like him. I want to be like him and one of the reasons is because he has disciplined himself. He often goes against his natural inclination and chooses what helps him become who he wants to become. He is not about "being me"  He is focused on becoming someone better and doing what is right. With this kind of development in mind many things (including electronics) can be used to reach our goals. Practicing a sport can help kids develop tenacity and determination. Winning and losing can help develop humility. Art can help develop perspective and appreciation and a work ethic (think a project that takes several days or weeks and eventual turns out amazing as opposed to something just hastily done that is less satisfying). Its all in the perspective we convey--Are they becoming a football player? Or are they becoming a mature person? Kids don't have to be anything. They are learning and growing and will learn more and grow more if we don't marry them to one thing. For some reason in this country it is all about what you will be which greatly frustrates me! My son could be (one of his past goals) a garbage truck driver and as long as he is kind and good I will be happy.

In summary:
Figure out what kind of person you hope your kids become (Loyal, trustworthy, honest, full of gratitude, etc.) 
Set limits and explore with them to help them get there. You'll be surprised how God develops you along the way!