Things to think about if you know someone whose child has died

Not trying to be insulting or anything here. Read on if you really want to know:

-I know it is impossible to imagine but try to imagine how your family dynamics would be thrown off without your middle child (or whichever of your kids) My oldest is SO linear and rule focused and my middle was so lackadaisical and social we often said how much number 1 needed his younger brother and how much they helped each other. Even their arguments b/c of personality differences helped them. We are all still trying to figure out how to relate to each other w/o him. I know it would be the same no matter which kid it was!

-Another difficult thing that most people don't realize (I know I didn't) is that for the first SEVERAL months it actually gets harder instead of easier. Your body and spirit are used to your child(ren) subconsciously and no matter how many times you tell yourself he/she is gone it seems to go through shock a few weeks to months later as you come out of survival mode and start to crash into reality. You are never confused thinking they are still alive it is more of a tangible ache as the part of you that has kept them alive (even when you are sick or exhausted! It's crazy your survival mode has come to include someone other than yourself) learns to let them go. You are literally letting a part of you die. It feels impossible.

-Another thing to understand is that no one controls how long they grieve. Please don't ask if someone is "feeling better" after the loss of a child. Just like you would probably never ask an amputee if they were feeling better now that their leg has been gone a couple of months. 

-The kindest and most helpful things that people have said to me have been, "I (or we) love you." and/or "I (or we) are praying for you." The kindest thing anyone has done hands down is give me pictures of my son. In the book A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis writes that one of the most difficult things about losing someone like a spouse or child is losing their "otherness." You can not create in your mind new scenes or dialogue with them because while you were so close they still were their own separate person. Sometimes they said or did what you expected and sometimes not and that is what you miss most. Their unpredictableness, their otherness. I love my pictures of Ben but I yearn to see him making a different face or hear his voice saying something new and funny and pictures I haven't seen before are almost that gift.