I went to a funeral this morning.
I know what you're thinking.
But while I was there a favorite friend said to me," She really appreciates that you came. She said to me that she knows that you know how she feels and that it means a lot that you came."
I didn't know what to say.
Here's what I felt:
Oh mama one day this will be you. And you'll know just how she feels. And you'll hate it all the same. You won't want to go. You won't want to go so bad you will stay in bed all morning because you know how she feels. You'll cook your little boy's favorite breakfast because it is his birthday even though he is not here to eat it...you won't eat it either. You'll mentally debate what to wear while knowing it doesn't matter and then give up and crawl back into bed. Your husband will come in and ask what time the funeral starts. You'll turn over and burrow down deeper trying to make your brain go back to the place where kids don't die, the place where all your friends and even your parents live. But you can't...because that is where all her friends live too. So you will get out of bed and put your hair up and put on something nice and go to someone else's baby's funeral.
Oh Mama, I know you think I'm strong but one day you will stand in my shoes and you will see how much I still didn't know what to say.
Hell is coming for you. And that is why you will hesitate. It hasn't ended yet, how can you go? But you understand and that is why you will go.
Her friends walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil. But Mama we have dwelt in that valley, we have been kept from going on our way and we have known fear.
To me the fact that any human being ever does anything good is proof that God exists. I will be that proof for you and you will be it for someone else in their time of need. No hero, just a sister. No perfect words, just a mama who can't find that beautiful place anymore and so we join together.
You won't be better.
You won't be whole.
But you will go, too.
And you'll prove to them that God is real but more importantly you'll prove it to yourself. And you're going to need proof in the months to come.
Mama on the front pew, one day you will be in the back of a crowded chapel remembering when you sat in the front. And she'll be grateful that you came.
