Dear Little Rock,

Dear Little Rock,

Some hard things have been happening in my life and it has come out in my driving and in my shopping and in my dining and so I am writing you this letter to thank you. You see last year my perfectly healthy happy three year old did not want to go trick or treating. Yeah. We took him to the doctor. He was diagnosed with leukemia. He had never been to the hospital before. We were admitted and spent our first month there. Unfortunately, he needed a bone marrow transplant and he didn’t make it to receiving one. He died at age four this summer. For the last 10 months I have cut you off in traffic and glanced over after realizing only to see you smile and wave me in.  I have gone 50 on the freeway and you have quietly gone around me without honking or flipping me off. I have sat through green lights without a single person in a long line of cars honking at me. My 1 year old has lain on the floor at a popular restaurant and cried. You have asked if you could give him a sucker. After my son came home on hospice he wanted to go out to eat at IHOP. You over heard me explaining to the manager why we needed to sit in the closed section of the restaurant (immune- suppression from chemotherapy) and you paid for my family’s meal. You have told me you would pray for me. From social security case workers to car insurance agents to the lady whose car I hit in Hot Springs you have prayed for me and I wanted you to know that what you have done for us is irreplaceable. You see sometimes someone’s world is crumbling and they are searching for a break. Somewhere something in life has to ease up or they might not make it. So thanks for not being too hard on me during a time when the last thing I was thinking about was driving. Your kindness has propped up my broken world. And I thank you.

Sincerely,

A mom from Arkansas Children’s Hospital

Things to think about if you know someone whose child has died

Not trying to be insulting or anything here. Read on if you really want to know:

-I know it is impossible to imagine but try to imagine how your family dynamics would be thrown off without your middle child (or whichever of your kids) My oldest is SO linear and rule focused and my middle was so lackadaisical and social we often said how much number 1 needed his younger brother and how much they helped each other. Even their arguments b/c of personality differences helped them. We are all still trying to figure out how to relate to each other w/o him. I know it would be the same no matter which kid it was!

-Another difficult thing that most people don't realize (I know I didn't) is that for the first SEVERAL months it actually gets harder instead of easier. Your body and spirit are used to your child(ren) subconsciously and no matter how many times you tell yourself he/she is gone it seems to go through shock a few weeks to months later as you come out of survival mode and start to crash into reality. You are never confused thinking they are still alive it is more of a tangible ache as the part of you that has kept them alive (even when you are sick or exhausted! It's crazy your survival mode has come to include someone other than yourself) learns to let them go. You are literally letting a part of you die. It feels impossible.

-Another thing to understand is that no one controls how long they grieve. Please don't ask if someone is "feeling better" after the loss of a child. Just like you would probably never ask an amputee if they were feeling better now that their leg has been gone a couple of months. 

-The kindest and most helpful things that people have said to me have been, "I (or we) love you." and/or "I (or we) are praying for you." The kindest thing anyone has done hands down is give me pictures of my son. In the book A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis writes that one of the most difficult things about losing someone like a spouse or child is losing their "otherness." You can not create in your mind new scenes or dialogue with them because while you were so close they still were their own separate person. Sometimes they said or did what you expected and sometimes not and that is what you miss most. Their unpredictableness, their otherness. I love my pictures of Ben but I yearn to see him making a different face or hear his voice saying something new and funny and pictures I haven't seen before are almost that gift.

How we are doing...

No words to describe losing someone who is so much a part of your life. We more than miss him. He was the child who woke us up in the morning dragging in his backpack bleary eyed every morning and crawling into our bed. He was the child who we fought to stay awake each night until he fell asleep. When I dream he is there and we do everyday things and I wake up wishing I had just held and hugged him. When I dream he is just part of my group of boys. I say words can't describe but the closest I can come is the first lines of the (incredibly corny) song by John Mayer...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
oh waking up is the hardest part.
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breath.

It catches up with me every morning so mornings are the hardest for me. Don't worry if you see me in the mornings though. If I have made it up off my knees that means I am holding on for another day. Just can't wait for Heaven!

 We are sad and that is how life is sometimes, achingly, heartbreakingly, lonely and sad.

Last night while reading scriptures with my oldest (6) we read about the miraculous healing of Zeezrom (This is a story from the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is a book that we use with The Bible. Just like The Bible it was written long ago by prophets. It was written in the Americas and testifies of Jesus Christ and is in fact titled, The Book of Mormon, Another Testamen

t of Jesus Christ [think old testament, new testament, another testament]. 1. I know I just blew your mind 2. THis is a really long run on sentence in parenthesis 3. Not surprisingly other people kept records besides the Jews. These records do not, however, contain the life and ministry of Christ which is why the The Bible is SO important!) 

This is a story similar to the Paul/Saul story in the new testament. My son and I talked about why Zeezrom was healed. We wondered aloud why my 4 year old wasn't. Abinadi* came to mind. I must admit that while I am not angry or bitter I have coveted other peoples miracles. There is a dear boy right now suffering from terrible injuries who I've known since he was a baby. His daily pain and suffering have cut me to the core and yet I have battled feelings of envy as he receives miraculous healing day by day and I've wondered if his parents are more righteous than my son's parents and so they get to keep their boy and I don't. Don't mistake my feelings. I pray for this boy. I wish he got better yesterday. I always said with my son I don't wish he'd never gotten sick because I would have trudged on in life without appreciation for so many little things that I now appreciate but now that I've learned the lessons and felt the pain can he get better now? I wish this boy could get better now, I truly do! I just wish my little boy could too. And I am starting to truly understand that Heavenly Father isn't Santa Claus. And that this is life. He loves us all. There are no big packages with bows for those who keep the commandments. Sometimes those who are cruel get miracles (again Saul/Paul) sometimes those who are good get miracles, too. And sometimes they don't. Thankful to the Lord for including the story of Abinadi in the scriptures. Thankful to the Lord for this dear boy getting his miracles. I did not get the miracle I wanted but I got His love. We all get that. And somehow that is what evens it all out.

#Butifnot 

#Blessed

*Abinadi is another prophet from the Book of Mormon. He was sent to call a wicked king to repentance. He was miraculously protected while he delivered his message, but was put to death after he completed his message. (Mosiah chapters 11-17 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/11?lang=eng)

Work on Who (not what) your child is becoming.

Thoughts in response to a facebook article; 
I think as parents we all need to define success and then go for it. My husband and I have discussed what successfully raising our children means to us and we hope that they will be able to create and sustain meaningful, loving eternal relationships and faithfully overcome adversity. Having goals helps us not get distracted by all the other good things and go for the best!
 Our oldest is a genius and could be in school full time with extended hours and tutors and lots of educational electronics and such. Letting him do what is easiest for him would not prepare him for the trials that are to come in his life. And they will come. So we choose to limit his screen time (he does play computer games and watch TV and is learning to write websites) so that he is forced to interact with his brothers (and us). And they fight and argue constantly but I have great hope that working through this will make him something better than a good employee or ceo. Something better than a nobel prize winner. A good husband and father who doesn't give up! 
As I have studied parenting I often ask myself what is this person's view of parental success? Most worldly parenting experts figure their kid will smoke a little weed, sleep around a bit, and then enter Ivy league schools. Raising adults who are "fulfilled" is their goal. I want to raise someone who serves, who loves, and who consecrates. I have to be an intentional parent if I want that to happen. We set limits and verbally say all the time, people are more important than things. Its crazy how many people think I'm vegan, never cut my hair, and don't drive on Sundays just b/c I limit my kids electronics! Only slightly kidding here! Our fellow parents need support as they try to reach their parenting goals, not flack for setting limits that work for their family. We're parents. Setting limits is what we do. When I taught parenting classes we started with the question, "What are some words you would like for people to use when they describe your child(ren) when they are adults? I would suggest every couple do this. How would your child's spouse describe them? Their children? Their boss? Their co-workers? Their friends? Their parents? Their in-laws? 
I happen to be married to someone who has turned out pretty near perfect and who everyone who knows him (from casual acquaintance on up) would describe in a very complimentary way. People want to be like him. I want to be like him and one of the reasons is because he has disciplined himself. He often goes against his natural inclination and chooses what helps him become who he wants to become. He is not about "being me"  He is focused on becoming someone better and doing what is right. With this kind of development in mind many things (including electronics) can be used to reach our goals. Practicing a sport can help kids develop tenacity and determination. Winning and losing can help develop humility. Art can help develop perspective and appreciation and a work ethic (think a project that takes several days or weeks and eventual turns out amazing as opposed to something just hastily done that is less satisfying). Its all in the perspective we convey--Are they becoming a football player? Or are they becoming a mature person? Kids don't have to be anything. They are learning and growing and will learn more and grow more if we don't marry them to one thing. For some reason in this country it is all about what you will be which greatly frustrates me! My son could be (one of his past goals) a garbage truck driver and as long as he is kind and good I will be happy.

In summary:
Figure out what kind of person you hope your kids become (Loyal, trustworthy, honest, full of gratitude, etc.) 
Set limits and explore with them to help them get there. You'll be surprised how God develops you along the way!

Understanding Santa

We don't do Santa.

We aren't anti-Santa. He's cute really but we haven't taught out kids to believe in him. Don't worry, around this time of year we break out our copy of the Night Before Christmas. We talk about Santa. We just haven't taught them to believe in him. After 4 1/2 years of having children and lots of stares and gasps of horror (and sad to say a few lost friends) I have decided its time to take a different approach.

We are not teaching our kids to believe in Santa.

We are teaching our kids to understand Santa.

This year I will be teaching my children that WE are Santa. Each Sunday and whenever we can when we run errands we will bring a small wrapped gift (nail polish, an ornament, a candy cane, a dollar, a small toy). They will carry it around with them and pretend that they are Santa until they see someone who is sad or alone or in need and then give it away and say, Merry Christmas.

Saint Nicholas was a kind man who gave what little he had to those who had little hope or faith at Christmastime. We will do the same.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

For those interested, here is why we personally aren't believing in Santa (We don't think others shouldn't, that's not our business.)  :


How can we teach our children to focus on a tiny baby born in poverty across the ocean two thousand years ago who will bring them inner peace and quiet joy? (I think this is a hard enough to believe story itself without throwing in eight flying reindeer and a man who slides down chimneys!) How can we help them be selfless as Christ was? How can we help them know that God sees us when we are sleeping and knows when we are awake? He knows when our heart hurts and when our soul needs relief.
Probably not by having them make a list of what they want other people to give them.
Probably not by telling them if they are not good they won't get what they asked for. And then rewarding them regardless of their behavior. We have decided to tell our children that they get gifts at Christmas because we love them and that is why they give us gifts in return because they love us. The gift of the Christ child was to the World not to those who earned it. God so loved the World... (see John 3:16-17 esp. 17)


P.S. Fyi We have talked to our kids about the fact that many people believe in Santa. We told them that it is rude and unkind to tell someone that what they believe in is not true. They have also learned this about people of other faiths. They won't be breaking it to your kids. So don't worry I'm sure it was some jaded kid at school not them : )

LRCA Committee Meeting

Wrote this to the guy working on our story minus the P.S. : )
Knowing what I know now if I had the chance (believe me this experience has totally changed me, I had no idea the power of ignorance) I would ask the state of Arkansas, What do you know about Mormons? Go ahead think of it. Make a list in your mind. Now, How do you know these things? We were told we are so incompatible that we could not even exist on the same campus. When we asked which of our teachings. We were told the "vast" differences between the Bible and the Book of Mormon were a major problem. We asked for a list of the differences. Bottom line. No one in that room had read even one line of the Book of Mormon let alone the whole book. They were going on the word of others who had also probably never read it. Now we don't expect others to read the Book of Mormon, but if you want to know about a movie do you ask someone who has seen it or someone who hasn't? They either need to read the book or take the word of those who have over those who haven't. What do I have to gain by miss representing my religion to them? If a Jehovah's Witness or a orthodox Jew or a Bible churcher tells us what their church believes and represents we just accept it and assume that what they are telling us is accurate. When a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day  Saints tells someone about the church people generally are suspicious. They think that can't be true that isn't weird enough. We invited them to read the Book of Mormon or visit one of the five LDS congregations in the area or visit mormon.org the churches official site to form their policies so that their policies aren't based on here say.

As I told you I feel like we were sent to meet with a group that would let us feel like we had been heard but not do much else. Since they also were very closed to the idea of others attended the meeting even just to view the proceedings we were obviously to be heard in a very controlled way. Their anger at us involving the media was voiced and we said in as kind a fashion as we could that their desire to keep this a private issue was one that we could only see benefiting their position not ours. They expressed again that if they were to have a dozen or so of their parents come out in support of Mormonism that it would not be important. They suggested that we should quietly find someplace else for Sam. I pointed out (as mentioned in a previous email to you) that because of the condition of the LRSD and the available programs and financial aid this was the only program. Tangent: Feels kind of like separate but equal. I know this is a private institution, but when they suggest that while only the best is good enough for their children (believe me these are people who would swim the Nile to avoid public schooling) and suggest that you can find other more appropriate schooling in an area where almost 100% of the schools are failing the NCLB initiative it is telling. At the time if Brown vs. the Board of Education white schools had excellent materials and trained teachers, black schools had second hand books that were falling apart and teachers who had little training. Do you see the parallel? Obviously I don't expect you to include it, just saying.
Anyway...
In closing, I fully understand why we are excluded. These churches fought to the point of massacres, excommunications, and church sanctioned executions 1500 years ago. Its what made the Nicene council necessary (which was not peaceful or pretty) , its what prompted the Pilgrims, its what created the 95 theses of Martin Luther. This is just another page in the history of Christianity. The church was established in April 1830. Hopefully it won't take another thousand years before people actually look at the doctrine and accept it not as true but as just another branch of Christianity. After this experience however I won't be holding my breath!

Jessi Duncan

P.S. After a forty five minute meeting we were told that they were hearing what we were saying and they could understand what we were saying but their job wasn't to write policy, just to enforce it. So why were we invited to this meeting instead of the one with who ever has the power to change the policy? Sigh, I think they are hoping that we will feel adequately heard and sit down somewhere and be quiet. On the flip side we were photographed by the paper today and it should be coming out soon. The photographer said possibly on Sunday's front page! Please continue praying that this story will come out correctly.

Potty Training 101

A number of people have asked me recently for potty training tips. For those of you who don't know I worked for eight years in early childhood education before having my first child.  So here's what I know:

1. Ignore all those people who say your child has to be forty and emotionally secure or he might be scarred for life if you try before he is ready. The only person who will be scarred after potty training is you and possibly your furniture and carpet. Potty training is way more about where you are than where your child is. My recommended age is between 2 1/2 and 3 (as the starting point). Earlier is harder, later is harder, though depending on the child I've heard earlier can work but I have little personal experience there. Once your child is older he/she has discovered what a good deal they've got going and may resist potty training because they prefer having you do the dirty work. Are you at a time or position in life where you are ready to take the next step towards Christlike patience and charity? Or are you currently blowing up at every little thing? Consider this before you embark on the potty training journey! Kids are kids and potty training is no joke. It requires consistent compassion (otherwise known as steel nerves).

2. For children potty training is all about independence. I can not tell you how many parents are still carrying around their large child and wondering why he/she will not potty! Start asking your child to do things for himself such as take his plate to the sink, dress himself, wash his hands, wipe his nose, clean up toys, strap himself in the carseat, etc. Teach him how to do these things. Show him how instead of doing it for him. Your child should be able to get from naked to fully dressed including a simple jacket and slip on or velcro shoes after a few days (two weeks tops) of help. Realize that this means he will also be able to go from fully dressed to naked, but that is okay. That's just a part of being three. Some children enjoy having personal slaves, I mean parents. If your child is one of these invite him to do independence building activities like spreading jam/butter on bread with a butter knife for each family member(give him a dollop then move the jar: ), washing fruits or vegetables,  turning off the TV, sweeping, picking clothes out for a younger sibling and himself, opening the van door, etc. In  other words fun chores. Start incorporating less fun but necessary chores after a few days when he has gotten used to you asking him to do things.
 to be continued....