There is a balm in Gilead

I went to a funeral this morning.

I know what you're thinking.

But while I was there a favorite friend said to me," She really appreciates that you came. She said to me that she knows that you know how she feels and that it means a lot that you came."

I didn't know what to say.

Here's what I felt:

Oh mama one day this will be you. And you'll know just how she feels. And you'll hate it all the same. You won't want to go. You won't want to go so bad you will stay in bed all morning because you know how she feels. You'll cook your little boy's favorite breakfast because it is his birthday even though he is not here to eat it...you won't eat it either. You'll mentally debate what to wear while knowing it doesn't matter and then give up and crawl back into bed. Your husband will come in and ask what time the funeral starts. You'll turn over and burrow down deeper trying to make your brain go back to the place where kids don't die, the place where all your friends and even your parents live. But you can't...because that is where all her friends live too. So you will get out of bed and put your hair up and put on something nice and go to someone else's baby's funeral.

Oh Mama, I know you think I'm strong but one day you will stand in my shoes and you will see how much I still didn't know what to say.

Hell is coming for you. And that is why you will hesitate. It hasn't ended yet, how can you go? But you understand and that is why you will go.

Her friends walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil. But Mama we have dwelt in that valley, we have been kept from going on our way and we have known fear.

To me the fact that any human being ever does anything good is proof that God exists. I will be that proof for you and you will be it for someone else in their time of need. No hero, just a sister. No perfect words, just a mama who can't find that beautiful place anymore and so we join together.

You won't be better.

You won't be whole.

But you will go, too.

And you'll prove to them that God is real but more importantly you'll prove it to yourself. And you're going to need proof in the months to come.

Mama on the front pew, one day you will be in the back of a crowded chapel remembering when you sat in the front. And she'll be grateful that you came.

Cooking in Real Time with Jessi Duncan

So I've had this idea for a while for a Food Network show of which I would be the star. The show would be called cooking in real time. It would air once a week and would show me attempting to prepare a meal in 30 minutes without all the prep work done and with my kids running around. Some episodes would end with a call to my husband to pick up a pizza on his way. I would list the ingredients needed on my website so that others could be ready and attempt to cook along with me. It would be the ultimate interactive cooking experience. It would also be perfect for all those people who LOVE to troll Food Network chefs sites and complain about how they tried to make the recipe (even though they only had half the ingredients and used idiotic substitutions) and it didn't work and they (the chef) should die a slow and painful death after other unsavory experiences for sharing this recipe

That is all.

Give the gift of mercy...

Imagine for a moment that someone who you do not know very well but have tried to get to know and to trust takes your child.

You have been told he will be well taken care of, better than even you yourself can take care of him. And you want to believe it. You hope that it is true. But knowledge is not there just faith.

You know where your child is and you think you know how to get there.

You have other children. You have a spouse. So what do you do?

I would like to propose that anyone in this situation would willingly leave their spouse with their other children and go to catch just a glimpse of their child in their new home. Just a peek through the window or a second watching them play through a hole in the fence.

It doesn't mean you don't love your other children or your spouse. Most of us wouldn't even leave one of our children for a weekend (it just feels better when all the kids are together at least even if you're not there) and if we did we would call and check on them ALL the time.

This is why "counting your blessings" or "having other kids" does not make child loss easier. This is one of the many reasons why many parents have thoughts of dying themselves after child loss. I am supposed to believe with every fiber of my being, in fact I need to believe or else I won't survive mentally, that my child is in a better place free from pain and sorrow. One of the most precious things I have ever possessed has moved on and I am supposed to now enjoy the rest of my life in this fallen world? It is hard to trust. It is hard to allow yourself to love or become attached or to care. Some people never do again.

If someone you know is experiencing child loss, whether it be right now or decades ago, you have been given a sacred opportunity to minister unto they that mourn. They need someone to say, "I don't understand. Teach me." As a matter of fact in the political and cultural turmoil that we find ourselves in today we all need to be approaching police officers and their families, black males, illegal immigrants, gays and lesbians, those who support traditional marriage, those of differing faith, those of differing political parties and saying, "I don't understand, teach me." If someone approached you this way would you return the favor after explaining your perspective?

My point is you don't know how it feels. And you won't unless you ask. I have a friend from the hospital whose son died 4 months before my son. So about 9 months ago. I had never experienced child loss. Even though my son was terminal at the time it was not at all like actual death. I regret some of the things I said to her. She recently posted a picture of herself at his grave with a caption saying she used to spend up to 11 hours a day there instead of with her 5 year old who was still alive. I should have just asked. You don't understand how many people are at their breaking point. How many people have just left the cemetery or the hospital or wherever. How many people need mercy. It is okay to not know what to say. It is okay not to know how to fix it. It can't be fixed in this life anyway. Let the lower light be burning. It's Christmas after all.

Matthew 5:7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

I'm not all about that bass

I am going to take a moment to write about something trivial cause I have been thinking about it for a while.

I am no feminist (not by a long shot) but I am gonna go out on a limb and blow your mind by saying maybe the hit song "All About That Bass" should not be the anthem of choice for women everywhere.

This song while touted for being "empowering" and "uplifting" and encouraging women everywhere to "embrace who they naturally are" is actually just saying "Don't worry about being big. Some guys dig that." So your mama told you that being fat is okay cause boys like that. Okay, my mama told me (fat or skinny) to get a job, go to college, and serve others. Life (okay here comes the mind blowing part) is not about having guys like you. Despite what every Disney channel tween show purports you have not reached Nirvana when you have a boyfriend and attend a concert (or star in a concert). I mean come on people!

This is the first verse:

Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places

This is empowering for women?!

She can shake it like she's supposed to do?

Anyway you get the idea not a feminist just gotta tell my feminist friends and friends with little girls everywhere stop subjecting your girls to this trash. Heck I even have guy friends who have posted they like for their boys to listen to mold breaking songs like this. Uh, we're not here for you guys. Sorry. Women are not here to be girlfriend material. Okay rant over.

Go ahead and like the song. It's very catchy. Just don't feel like you are doing something great for humanity by downloading it, singing it, teaching it to your two year old daughter, etc. Okay my rant is really over now.

The beauty of the prosaic

Why I think you should see "Meet the Mormons"

I have seen Meet the Mormons  (http://meetthemormons.com/#/filter-all/page-1) twice now and I've got to highly recommend you see it, too. Why you ask...not because I want you to join my church...okay I do want you to join my church but this movie will not get you to join my church. I think people should see it because it is a celebration of the prosaic.

Go ahead look up the word prosaic

I'll wait

Okay isn't it a beautiful word for such an ordinary thing?

Ha now you've really gone to Google it.

Prosaic- ordinary; everyday; commonplace; routine

I saw Meet the Mormons twice not because it was so awesome the first time (honestly, the first time I was somewhere between mehm and like) because after my husband and I saw it some kids from our congregation decided to go so we took our sons with them. The second time as my 2 year old danced in the aisles to the music from Nepal I saw something I hadn't seen before. That this is our life story. The first time a saw a glazed over version of what it is to be a mormon. The second time I saw the differences that make all people beautiful. There is so much significance in what we do every single day because the prosaic actually = life.

Mormons are christians, but as in every religion we have things that set us apart from the church next door. These things aren't even unusual in the grand scheme of religious practices and rituals but some people shy away from differences. Guess what? Orthodox Jews observe Shabbat and wear tzitzit and kippah. Many catholics observe many holy days and have beautiful ritualistic services with deep symbolic meaning. Muslims wash before praying. There are differences everywhere and it is up to us whether we decide to see these differences as weird or beautiful.

Meet the Mormons touched me because in a world full of movies with shock value that no one on the planet can relate to (enjoy but not relate to) it is a movie that is moving and profound and could star me or you. Did you know your story is worth a movie?! It is and it is beautiful because it's yours! Give me these people over some rock star anyday!

The dang song at the end of the movie has been stuck in my head (and I am not a David Archuleta fan) but the truth in it touched me and as I have folded laundry and dropped off kids and worked and played and taught and prayed it has played in my mind and I feel like I am figuring out my part. Isn't that what we are all trying to do no matter what we believe?


Here's the link to the song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GytW_rgr0RM
Here's the lyrics (I'm a lyrics person which is why I love Ben Harper and generally not David Archuleta :) 

Symphony 

There are times when
You might feel aimless
You can't see the places
Where you belong
But you will find that
There is a purpose
It's been there
Within you all along
And when you're near it
You can almost hear it

It's like a symphony
Just keep listening
And pretty soon you'll start
To figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece
And there are melodies
In each one of us
Oh! It's glorious

And you will know how
To let it ring out
As you discover
Who you are
Others around you
Will start to wake up
To the sounds that are
In their hearts
It's so amazing
What we're all creating

It's like a symphony
Just keep listening
And pretty soon you'll start
To figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece
And there are melodies
In each one of us
Oh! It's glorious

Dear Little Rock,

Dear Little Rock,

Some hard things have been happening in my life and it has come out in my driving and in my shopping and in my dining and so I am writing you this letter to thank you. You see last year my perfectly healthy happy three year old did not want to go trick or treating. Yeah. We took him to the doctor. He was diagnosed with leukemia. He had never been to the hospital before. We were admitted and spent our first month there. Unfortunately, he needed a bone marrow transplant and he didn’t make it to receiving one. He died at age four this summer. For the last 10 months I have cut you off in traffic and glanced over after realizing only to see you smile and wave me in.  I have gone 50 on the freeway and you have quietly gone around me without honking or flipping me off. I have sat through green lights without a single person in a long line of cars honking at me. My 1 year old has lain on the floor at a popular restaurant and cried. You have asked if you could give him a sucker. After my son came home on hospice he wanted to go out to eat at IHOP. You over heard me explaining to the manager why we needed to sit in the closed section of the restaurant (immune- suppression from chemotherapy) and you paid for my family’s meal. You have told me you would pray for me. From social security case workers to car insurance agents to the lady whose car I hit in Hot Springs you have prayed for me and I wanted you to know that what you have done for us is irreplaceable. You see sometimes someone’s world is crumbling and they are searching for a break. Somewhere something in life has to ease up or they might not make it. So thanks for not being too hard on me during a time when the last thing I was thinking about was driving. Your kindness has propped up my broken world. And I thank you.

Sincerely,

A mom from Arkansas Children’s Hospital

Things to think about if you know someone whose child has died

Not trying to be insulting or anything here. Read on if you really want to know:

-I know it is impossible to imagine but try to imagine how your family dynamics would be thrown off without your middle child (or whichever of your kids) My oldest is SO linear and rule focused and my middle was so lackadaisical and social we often said how much number 1 needed his younger brother and how much they helped each other. Even their arguments b/c of personality differences helped them. We are all still trying to figure out how to relate to each other w/o him. I know it would be the same no matter which kid it was!

-Another difficult thing that most people don't realize (I know I didn't) is that for the first SEVERAL months it actually gets harder instead of easier. Your body and spirit are used to your child(ren) subconsciously and no matter how many times you tell yourself he/she is gone it seems to go through shock a few weeks to months later as you come out of survival mode and start to crash into reality. You are never confused thinking they are still alive it is more of a tangible ache as the part of you that has kept them alive (even when you are sick or exhausted! It's crazy your survival mode has come to include someone other than yourself) learns to let them go. You are literally letting a part of you die. It feels impossible.

-Another thing to understand is that no one controls how long they grieve. Please don't ask if someone is "feeling better" after the loss of a child. Just like you would probably never ask an amputee if they were feeling better now that their leg has been gone a couple of months. 

-The kindest and most helpful things that people have said to me have been, "I (or we) love you." and/or "I (or we) are praying for you." The kindest thing anyone has done hands down is give me pictures of my son. In the book A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis writes that one of the most difficult things about losing someone like a spouse or child is losing their "otherness." You can not create in your mind new scenes or dialogue with them because while you were so close they still were their own separate person. Sometimes they said or did what you expected and sometimes not and that is what you miss most. Their unpredictableness, their otherness. I love my pictures of Ben but I yearn to see him making a different face or hear his voice saying something new and funny and pictures I haven't seen before are almost that gift.